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What we saw in the light…

Today I am weary, tired.  The tears well up, I force them back.  I’m afraid if I let them go I will wind up being a crumpled mess on the ground.  It’s one of those moments when you know just a few tears won’t do.  That processing through your emotions is going to take time.  And time is one of the many things you just don’t have in abundance.

We are blessed.  I try to focus on that.  We gave up a position to seek God’s will.  We have been without guaranteed income for one and a half months now.  At times we have had temporary income, but even in those times our income was less than half of what we are used to.  There was no savings to fall back on.  We are blessed with the ability to see God’s faithfulness in a unique way.  We should be a statistic now.  Unable to pay our bills, unable to provide a home for our children.  Instead we are caught up in God’s grace through the hands of his community.  If I were to begin to recount the times God has provided and the signs of his faithfulness I would have to write a small book.  We have been embraced by a couple who somehow understands the crazy situation we have placed ourselves in. They have graciously opened their home to us.  They have encouraged us, prayed for us, loved our children.  For that I am eternally grateful.

I realize how fortunate we are. I am so grateful for a community who has caught us up in their arms and carried us. Yet I am tired. Tired of being dependent, tired of saying thank you, tired of not having a home of my own. Tired of watching God use others to provide for our children. And tired of wondering about our future. Tired of the endless crucifying of my pride. Tired of being the blessed, instead of the blessing. I am tired of the fear. Tired of fighting the desire to fix our situation and wondering how God is going to provide for our family. Wanting to shout from the rooftops that we would gladly provide for our family if God would just make a way. And I have discovered that all the naps in the world just don’t take that weariness away.

Along with that tiredness comes some anger. God called us here, why hasn’t He resolved this yet? Great, he provided for today, but what about tomorrow? Wrong thoughts? Perhaps… But I am grateful that I serve the same God that David served. And David was a master at tantrum throwing.

I don’t have resolution to those feelings today. I just have the knowledge that I need to hold on tight for one more day. And then the next… We live in a small home; four adults and three children crammed into a 3 bedroom ranch. At times the restroom just isn’t available. There is a back up plan though. It’s the unheated, unfinished bathroom in the basement. The bathroom where the lights have for some unexplained reason stopped working. So my routine has become this: open the door, take a quick look around as the light from the nearby room filters in and because I am paranoid, I check for mice, bugs, etc. Locate the toilet paper, close the door and proceed to accomplish my purpose for being there. Because this bathroom is in the basement it is completely dark. I have to have faith that things have remained as they were just a moment before.

I feel like I’m in that dark room spiritually. God said “Do this. I’m faithful. Now go!” I had no idea how dark the room really was. I had no idea how much this situation would assault my security, my identity, the privacy of my marriage and home life. And yet God speaks. Quietly. “I haven’t moved. I’m right where you saw me when you were in the light. Trust me.” I want to demand that He turns on the light already. After all He is capable. And maybe He would. And maybe I would miss out on the lessons that He indeed is faithful. That He is still near in the darkness. That he has not yet forsaken us. That we have not yet begged for bread. That because He loves me so intensely, that because He wants me so wholly for himself He is completely willing to “destroy” every part of me that stands in the way of that. And that really is one of the greatest gifts He has ever given me.

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