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The condition of my “lot”…

It’s one of those days… the laundry which was nearly caught up is overflowing out of the laundry room, the kid’s bed which had clean sheets yesterday are stripped once more, ” and there is an overall “odor” permeating the house.

I’ve spent my day cleaning up messes we ignored over the weekend, tossing in laundry and searching for that “smell” which I suspect is probably somewhere at the bottom of the laundry pile…  Meanwhile the girls have been babysat  by “The Monkey” which leaves me with a strong sense of “Mommy guilt” and surely makes for squabbling preschoolers.  Somewhere in between my desperate housecleaning spree Sarah came to me in anguish.  Her sister, the “Annanator”, had stolen one of her toys which is a continual ongoing saga these days.  Sarah has been in the midst of a particularly “whiny” phase this past weekend and my patience with both of the girls has been running thin.

So, my drama queen came to me wanting justice because the “dispenser of all injustice” had taken her toy that she had left on the couch.  How exactly does one explain to  a 4 year old that a one year old does not understand that she was “coming back for that”?  I impatiently explained, which led to a further eruption…  Sarah left the room with much “wailing and gnashing of teeth”.  And then… more screams from both girls.  And a justice seeking Sarah is back screaming at my feet. 

There are appropriate ways of responding to such things but this Mommy had no more appropriateness left in her at that moment.  I angrily sent her to her room.  It was the “wrong” thing to do but at that moment it was also the “safe” thing to do.  Ten minutes later, I had gathered myself enough to calmly deal with Sarah.  Only to find out that Anna had bit her finger… Hard…  So hard that it actually did qualify for a Hello Kitty band aid.  And the Mommy guilt bites down just a little harder.

And I wonder about myself.  How can I not be more patient?  How do I not have the right words to say?  Why can I not keep the house clean, find that smell, be more organized, remember to make that dentist appointment, be a better example of a Godly Woman as a Pastor’s wife….

And after I find myself wholly wanting I move onto others…  If the kid’s would pick up after themselves, if I had more help around the house, if there wasn’t so much expected of me…  And I realized today that I do this every couple of months or so.  This angst.  Where everything and everyone comes up sorely lacking and I am on a mission to change it all.  And then once again I find my balance again and realize I’m just not good at being “perfect”  and that my life, my home, my family and my world never will be this side of heaven.

So, I doubt it will go away; this constant striving for perfection.  Because, in all reality I was created for perfection and I’m just waiting for that day to be fulfilled.  The hope of every believer is the promise of someday dwelling in the perfect abundance of heaven.  Today, however, I am resting on the fulness of this promise:  Psalm 16:5  Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;  you have made my lot secure.

I’m not certain I will ever get my earthly “lot” fully under control, but I am thanking Him for his unending mercy in being my sustaining portion and cup until the day I receive the “heavenly lot” He has already secured for me.

Take hope Mommies, I hear it’s clean up there. 😉


2 responses

  1. thank you. I SO needed this today. My laundry is spilling off of my couch, out of my laundry room, I too, have two daughters, a “Sarah” and a “Claire”… I feel so inadequate at times. So overwhelmed. So TIRED.So guilty and then so ANGRY and frustrated and then I take it out on my husband or my daughter Sarah(Sarah is 2 1/2, claire is 2 months). This was just what I needed to read. Someone else is out there that feels the same way I do… thank you for extending hope. I saw in another blog (five in tow) that you dealt with PPD? how did you come to that diagnosis? What were your struggles with it? I am wondering if that is what I am going through… would love to pick your brain. Thanks again for the honest blog.

    June 19, 2012 at 7:39 am

  2. Becky,

    I’m so glad this ministered to you. Thank you for the encouragement. Speaking honestly, it wasn’t until a year or two later that I recognized I probably dealt with postpartum depression. When my Sarah was probably about a year old I finally went to my OB because the person I had become was not the real me. I was so angry and explosive. Fortunately, I had a good OB and he helped to guide me towards using Progesterone cream. Sounds strange, but evening out my hormones evened me out as well. I also found a Christian Counselor to talk with. The frustrating thing to me was finding out from older woman how many woman struggle with this. Why didn’t anyone tell me!!! I recently read a book called “Getting off the hormone swing by Lorraine Pintus. It had a great Christian perspective on dealing with some of these issues.

    Basically, I highly recommend seeing your OB if you have concerns. I could have saved myself and my family so much grief by checking in sooner. I figured I wasn’t depressed because I almost never cried. I was just so angry all the time.

    On the other hand… Parenthood is just hard!!! And overwhelming. My email is rle376@gmail.com if you would like to “chat” any further.

    June 27, 2012 at 4:44 am

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